MICHAEL CROWE

"I got a letter from an ex girlfriend this morning. I’ve not seen her for probably about ten years. Actually, since then I’ve moved house twice, god knows how she managed to get my address. Maybe through Tiffany or John. She basically just asked if I’ll fill in a questionnaire which she’s sent out to all of her ex boyfriends. Judging by the questions, I think she’s going through a difficult patch. Not quite a mental breakdown, but something not too dissimilar. Maybe it is a mental breakdown, I don't know. It starts off quite sane, asking my age, my height, weight, that sort of thing. My middle name. All fine. Then:

Judge your overall sexual performance with me on a scale of one to one hundred.

I put a modest sixty four. I toyed with an eighty something for a while, then wrote twelve, scribbled it out and wound up with the six and four. Next question:

Why do you think I never had an orgasm with you?
A: Inadequate size of penis.
B: Poor physical hygiene which turned me off completely.
C: Shoddy, slapdash, unskilled technique.
D: Your insistence on one preposterous position.
E: I never wanted to do it but I just felt so sorry for you.

I ticked them all. Then a few questions about how much I’m earning, if I have any children, and:

Who would you rather have your life saved by?
A: Batman.
B: Superman.
C: A Chinese Sherlock Holmes.
D: Spiderman.

Spiderman. Then there’s an extremely longwinded section, with about thirty questions including:

Have you ever thought about me while having sex with another woman?
Have you ever tried to recreate any moments we had with another woman?
Is chilli con carne three times a week too much? (?)
How often do you think I think of you?
Do you even remember the colour of my eyes?

I’d stopped answering the questions, I was just reading through to the end now. Then it does end, with this:

If we were to bump into each other again, where would you rather it be:
A: In a sauna.
B: On an oil rig.
C: In a morgue.
D: I love you.
E: Please don’t think I’m mental.
F: I hand delivered this, I’m outside your house right now."


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